Rant of An Average Malaysian - Malaysians Need More Children?!

I've arrived at the age where my Facebook page is filled with streams of my ex-classmates/friends/acquaintances who are getting married and/or having children. My sister is no exception. Here's a picture of my beautiful sister who got married last year.

Being constantly bombarded with the question "When are you getting married?", I came across a new marriage-related angle in The Star. Women, Family and Community Deve­lop­ment Minister Datuk Seri Rohani Abdul Karim said that Malaysia's population is shrinking with an expected 1.91 average fertility rate in 2020. That means that Malaysians will only be having an average of 1-2 children per family, barely enough to replace the parents when they're gone. I only want to have one child myself so I can see this as a real issue in our society. What are some chief reasons for this?

1 - High Cost of Living

Everything is expensive. There's no denying it. The prices of everything just hiked recently, what with the introduction of GST. Some places that never charged service tax has started doing so. Working towards owning a house has always been difficult and that hasn't changed. Fact is, the average young Malaysian probably earns just enough to get by and save a  bit. Even with an increment in my salary, it barely makes a difference. I hardly have enough for myself, let alone 3 or 4 children. The math is easy. Less children means less likelihood of starvation. 

2 - Quality Over Quantity

I'm not sure about other people but when I consider my child, i factor in all expenses up till they graduate, get their first job and become self sufficient. This means on top of normal necessities, I have to add in cost of tertiary education, which can easily go up to 6 figures nowadays, what more 20 years in the future. I'd hate to stunt my child's potential because 3 of them have to share 1 college fund.I'd also like to lavish attention on each child rather than miss out on things with child 1 because i was busy with child 3. 

3 - Career and Stability

Enter the age of equality! Women can build their own careers too. This helps bring the average household income up and makes it easier for couples to cope with Issues 1 and 2. However, even with a partner or spouse, both would still need to have a good combined income before going on to the next step. Which means that they are less likely to marry and have children at an early age. I wouldn't marry and have kids before I have a house (where my spouse and kids can call home) and a stable job to sustain our lives together. So that leaves less time for a woman to have children. 

Just these 3 factors are enough to make me think twice, thrice and more before having a child, much less 3 or 4. Before the issues are resolved, I don't think Malaysia will have a boom in Malaysian babies. What say you?

My Meaningful April Fool's - 5th Edition

5 Fingers, 5 Chinese Elements, 5 Weekdays, 5 Points of a Star, etc. 5 is a significant number in many religions and this week, 5 is an important number for me.

With 1st of April 2014 came the 5th Anniversary of me and my Bao Bao. Yup, I kid you not, our Anniversary is on April Fool's Day. The journey has always been very smooth so I was surprised that it was already the 5th year we have been together.

This year started somewhat ambiguous since neither of us showed any signs of remembering it. Right after work for both of us, Bao Bao started driving us to a 'secret' location. It would have been very exciting but he got lost and we ended up having to use a GPS to go to a nearby location since he wouldn't concede and tell me where we were headed.

Lo and behold, we were at Burgertory! The decorations were very simple but the lack of clutter made the environment more enjoyable somehow. The restaurant was done and decorated by the owners themselves! The seats were full and customers were pouring in to fill the tables. For a place that only opens 5 hours, it was pretty good.

The menu was expansive so we had a hard time
deciding. In the end, we took Bacon Paradise and Bacon and Cheese Plus. We wanted to try both so we decided to share and try both.

The Bacon Paradise was absolutely delicious and any bacon lover would love it to bits! It has candied bacon bits and candy pork bacon on top of the scrumptious pork patty and cheddar cheese. The patty was juicy and every bit had good flavor. The sweetness from the candied bacon brought a good balance to the salted pork patty and cheese.


The Bacon and Cheese Plus is obviously made for Bacon, Cheese and Pork lovers who craves a big portion of all. Two pork patties topped with two cheddar cheese slices and two pork bacon. Don't underestimate its size (I know people who orders 10 patty burgers), it is incredible filling and good!

Drinks were refillable with hot and cold options. We went home extremely stuffed and was still feeling the pork in our mouths for hours after. I recommend this place for pork burg
er lovers but there are also other meat options
on the menu we have yet to discover.

:D And as for my personal gift to my beloved, a 17.3" Laptop Backpack fro Everki! He's been complaining that his laptop bag was hurting his shoulder (the side carry ones) so a backpack is super useful and good for his back. This is the first time I buy a bag with 3 figures but it's worth it!

I hope our next Anniversary would be equally good. I look forward to another year of smooth and warm relationship.

With all my love,
Jamien

Shouting vs Whispering

I've decided to drop the hot politics behind MH370 (for a while at least) and focus on something from my life. My father's been retired for quite some years and he's taken a really laid back approach to life.

Yesterday, he accompanied me to my dental appointment and we made small talk on the way. It's not unusual but most couples in their 50s to 60s have very little communication with one another, causing lots of misunderstanding.

Being somewhat a logical person, I advised my father to sit down calmly with my mother, and talk things out with her. I said:

Let her know what you are going through. She can't understand what you are going through because you never tell her. You also don't know what she's going through because you never ask her. You're not psychic and neither is she. You guys need to talk to each other calmly. You have to try to understand what you're each going through. Arguing doesn't improve the situation. 

My father started ranting and just could not focus on finding a solution. I realize my mother is the same. When I told him shouting makes things worse he says:

If I'm shouting then she should get the message already.

I was shocked that he would think so.  When I asked him if he got what mum wanted when she shouted, he just continued his rant, ignoring my comment (yeah children's opinions never do matter, do they).

I once read a very meaningful saying about shouts and whispers. It roughly goes like:

Monk 1: Why do people need to shout? And when you are shouted at, why is it hard for us to listen?  

Monk 2: The heart is timid and shy. When you are angry, the heart moves far away. So shouting is needed to cover the distance. But shouting only makes the heart move farther away. It causes misunderstanding.  

Monk 1: Then what should we do? 

Monk 2: The heart is also a curious creature. When we whisper softly and with kindness, the heart leanscloser to hear us. That is why sometimes, words are not even necessary for people to understand one another. 

I often remind myself not to be harsh to my loved ones because I remember this. When you calmly talk it over with your loved ones, they will (and should) try to understand what you are going through. Your message will be sent successfully. I know it doesn't always happen that way but we should never stop making the world a better place. Want a miracle? Be the miracle. :) Love will find a way.

Appreciation

Everyone knows that love can easily go sour. Often times, we find angry wives and tired husbands. Why? Why do all these happen? I witnessed a wife complaining about her husband, saying angry words but her eyes showed not anger, but hurt and sadness.

I've come to the conclusion, that after being with someone after some time, people just tend to overlook things they should appreciate. For example, after marriage, you come home to your wife cooking. You'd appreciate the fact that you have someone special and only belongs with you. You'd also appreciate that she wants a warm meal for you to come home to. But after a few years, you neglect that fact. Cooking becomes her JOB. In fact, you'd be pissed to arrive home and the meals aren't cooked.

Dude, she married you and is your wife. She gave a part of her life to you, to be with you. She didn't give it to you just so she can be your slave and cook, wash and clean. Wives are NOT free servants. Don't treat them like one. There is no rule written in the marriage contract that she has to cook and clean and give birth to your kids.

Everything she does at home, she does it for you. So don't cease to appreciate her little actions as love and care for you. Don't start thinking it's her duty, because it's not. She washes your clothes because she wants you to have clean clothes to wear. She cooks for you so you can have good food to eat and not starve. She gifts you with her children because she gives you the privilege of being the father of her children. She nags you about everything, because she worries about your safety and health, etc. She doesn't have to give a damn about you.

Same for wives. Your husband is out working very hard so he can make sure to provide you with ingredients to cook, with a home, to indulge in your fantasies, etc. He goes out with you shopping no matter how he dislikes it because YOU like it.

As for children, your parents work very hard, and has been doing so, probably even before you were conceived. They nag, they worry and they fret about you, because you are their special and important child and they want you to have the best in life, and not to make mistakes you can never recover from.

As for siblings, yeah, you fight. Sometimes you feel you hate each other. But hey, you guys are special to one another. Only you guys are blood related, grew up together. No one can be THAT intimately close as do you all. Appreciate it. The closest friends fight. Siblings are closer still.

Friends, sometimes you will say hurtful things to each other because it is true. You can't hate each other for that. Who's going to seriously tell you that your dress sucks or you have a bad behavior that would make you and people around you unhappy? Only the closest and dearest friends will do so because they want what's best for you.

Everyone has reasons for what they do. Sometimes, take a step back and put yourself in that person's shoe. Why would that person do that to you? Any hidden motives? Think of why the person does what he does before you snap. More than anything, appreciate the little things they do for you. They do it out of love. No matter how often they do it for you, it deserves to be appreciated. Simply put, people do many things and don't expect material things in return. What they do want, is acknowledgment that you recognized their efforts and appreciate it.

Fighting

One thing that is bound to happen when you're in a relationship is arguing. It seems that the closer you are to somebody, the more liable you are to arguing. You can argue about the smallest issues.

Arguing in a relationship can create 2 vastly different results. The first would be to strengthen your relationship. The other is to weaken it.

Let's say that you and your partner are discussing an issue. Your partner keeps saying his part; why he's unhappy, why he's pissed off, why he's in pain and why the argument is going on. When this happens, what should you do?

This point is really really important and you should do this whenever your partner is talking. LISTEN TO HIM. It is not easy to speak up sometimes. Bare in mind that what he has to say is very important. You are an important person to him so you get the perks of listening in on stuff other people may not get to listen in on. He could choose to lie to you but he did not, so anything he say is worth listening to.

Second point is to keep an open mind. When you argue with a person, it means something went wrong somewhere. Often times, both parties are at fault. Be ready to admit your mistake if you really did have one. Do not be motivated to "win" the fight aka kiasu. What is more important, your partner or your pride?

Third point is don't lie. Why? When you lie, you have to lie a second time to cover your previous, and so on. Your relationship will be bound by so much lies that if he ever finds out the truth, the shock will be too much. It's always good to be honest. If you really love the person, you will be honest to him and vice versa. Communication is very important.

Fourthly, don't be a hypocrite. Don't expect your partner to do something when you won't do it yourself. And since your partner can do it, there's no real reason you shouldn't at least try. Following this fourth point can prevent arguments on small issues.


Have you ever thought of why when you argue, words never seem to be able to penetrate your partner? No matter how loud your voice is, no matter how frustrated you are?

Imagine the heart as a very timid and shy creature. In truth, our heart really is. Everyone is afraid of being rejected, being hurt, etc etc. It takes us a while to trust in a person and love the person.

So when you argue and shout, the heart of your partner takes up a 'fight or flight' stance. Your partner's heart will move farther away and shout back. Then you heart will go through the process too and put it on repeat. Distance is created between 2 person's bonding when such violent argument breaks out.

So what do you do to entice a shy and timid creature like your heart? Sit down with it. Talk to it calmly. Do not be afraid to tell it your feelings. When you speak softly, the heart will lean in closer to hear you. His heart will want to be in the close proximity of your heart to share pain and fix problems. Don't let problems keep you apart. Solving problems calmly and productively together makes your hearts closer to each others.


In a fight, there's no real winner or loser, because both parties will get hurt. Is it a real victory when you go to your corner and lick your wound while your partner is also feeling depressed about arguing?

Go for the win-win method. When you have a problem, talk about it. Never keep it in your heart because it will rot and fester. When that happens you will be unbelievably angry at your partner and you won't be able to talk without shouting. In fact, it can fester so badly that you can forget the real reason why you're shouting.


This goes especially for parents. When you argue your children will suffer too. They will feel depressed because their parents are not ok with each other. It also sets a bad example for your children. They might think who speaks the loudest win. Teach them to talk and compromise. If you're already asking your children to do that, don't be a hypocrite. If they can do it, why can't you? You're suppose to be older and wiser because you're an adult. Show a good example and act like one.

Love Hurts

While I was on my forum, I came across an interesting thread entitling "If a person loves you, he won't hurt you".

The thread title reminds me of the saying "If the person makes you cry, he doesn't deserve you, because the person who deserves you will never make you cry".

After some deep thought, I've come to the conclusion that both statements aren't exactly true. From my experience and observation, the people who can truly hurt us are the very people we love.

When a person loves another person, the person becomes vulnerable to the other person. Imagine that our hearts are made of glass. When we love, we place our hearts in the hands of the person we love. We trust in them to take care of our hearts.

Sadly, people aren't perfect. No matter how you cherish the person, you're bound to make a mistake and drop the precious glass heart, resulting in a couple of missing pieces causing hurt to that person in the process. Sometimes, this happens even when we don't notice it!

People get easily hurt by the people they love. Simple insensitive or thoughtless remarks that could roll off as a joke from friends would probably stick and hurt the one you love.

Lack of attention would be ok for friends because you can always get together and talk about the good old days. What do you think lack of attention from the one you love would do to you? First you'll miss him. Then you'd feel hurt that the person isn't willing to spend time with you. All that neglect festers and would turn to resentment.

You can have 1000 friends, but you can only have 1 special person. That's why it's called "the one" or "special someone". You won't feel hurt that your partner has a lot of friends. You would be deeply hurt though if your partner has multiple girlfriends/boyfriends.

So in a nutshell, both statements aren't accurate. The people who love us tend to hurt us without meaning to. When we feel too much hurt, we cry.

Maybe we should rephrase it into something like "the person who loves you could hurt you, but he would be there to wipe your tears and bust his ass off by making it up to you". :P

Anyway, there are a few upsides to this. We may hurt the people we love easily, but we can also seek forgiveness easily. The person who loves you can sense your sincerity in repenting for your wrong doings pretty well. So when you make a mistake, apologize on the spot. Don't be ashamed to admit you made a mistake. Is your pride worth losing the one you love?

Once in a while, take your special one out for a dinner for 2 and throw in that back massage to make her feel pampered and loved. Hey, better be safe than sorry. That will make up for all the times you dropped her heart and didn't know it.

Life's all about balance. You can feel sadness, therefore you can feel an improvement and feel elated with happiness. When there are downs, only can there be ups.

Humans are complicated aren't they? That's life. :)